The Republican governors are meeting in Florida today, discussing the future of the Republican party.
Let me give some free advice to the Republicans.
You should continue to maintain these planks as the main part of your platform:
1) Intelligent Design — nothing makes you look more open-minded and intelligent than ID (after all, it’s got the word Intelligent in the name). Sure, there’s an overwhelming amount of evidence for evolution, but you’ve got the best counterargument: “God did it”. Best part of ID? Very cheap to keep pursuing. These scientists keep spending all this money on research, etc., all you have to do is keep repeating “God did it.”
2) Women’s “Health” — John McCain was right when he belittled women’s health in the third debate. Why should we care if women are healthy or not? (Besides, we do seem to have a population problem. ) The Republican party believes in forcing life into this world, they really don’t care what happens to life once it’s here. Which brings me to the next plank in the platform–
3) “Air quotes” — Nothing shows that you are more serious than when you start “belittling” the intelligence of your supporters by adding “air quotes” to your statements, so that they know that you’re being sarcastic. If people can’t tell you’re being sarcastic without air quotes, then you need to get better speechwriters. The Republican party is the best thing that ever happened to America. See, you can’t tell if I’m being sarcastic or not. That’s why “I’m” sticking with “air quotes”.
4) God — Sarah Palin seems to have this obsession that God will “show her the way” to the White House. (I really wish someone would just show the Governor Google Maps. It’s pretty easy. Just enter: 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue, Washington, DC as your destination. You’ll be able to find your way there pretty easy without God.) Why should Republicans stick to this right-wing God stuff? Well, if you look at history, you will see that nothing has brought people together more than God: Christians (Seventh Day Adventists, Catholics, Eastern Orthodox, Methodists, Baptists, Southern Baptists, Pentecostalists, Mormans, Presbyterians, Episcopalians, Unitarians), Jews, Muslims, Buddhists, Shintoists, Taoists, Hindus, Wiccans, Satanists, etc., etc. All of these groups agree, right, and have never had any conflicts between them? Maybe God is trying to show Sarah Palin the way to the White House, but that mischevious devil Dionysus keeps getting in God’s way. You rock, Dionysus. This beer’s for you!
5) Keep saying government is awful — Republicans want to get into government, even though they think that government can’t do anything right. When looked at through this lens, the government’s response to everything in the last 8 years has been immaculate. Katrina? Perfect reaction. Do nothing. That’s called brand consistency, and, if the Republican brand has been anything these past years, it’s been incompetent. Stick with it, Republicans! We’ll be back to you in no time at all. Cause if I was rich those Dems would raise my taxes. Bastards.
